Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
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My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Education is vital
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?