“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Life cycle of cat
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.