It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
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[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that