*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
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I’d use my best pan on you.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too