“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
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Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?