I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
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A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.