If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
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Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up