[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
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Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .