Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
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God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.