I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
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I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song