I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
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“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!