A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
sistine chapel
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …