[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
❤️🦆
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?