*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
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COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Good news
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven