This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
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How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…