A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
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Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Sunday
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.