*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
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looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Just a friendly reminder!
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.