Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
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Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today