Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
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February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Sheep
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
buying dead houseplants to save time
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.