I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
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Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.