I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
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FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards