You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
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*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit