I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
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I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
My work here is done
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
WTF
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
accurate
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.