By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
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The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
🤣🤣🤣
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies