WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
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I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”