“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
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I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Ah..makes sense now
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.