5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
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I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.