“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
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Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.