Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
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In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit