And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
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if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
🏙👨🏼
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.