I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
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[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”