Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.