*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
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My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad