Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
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They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less