too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
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Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Siri, fight Alexa.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
lmfao
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”