Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
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Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Yes
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.