adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
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Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”