Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Story of my life…..
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.