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My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…