Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
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Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Beauty and the Beast
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.