*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!