My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
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I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
They also CAN sing✌️
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.