In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
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[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.