not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
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How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
scrabbled eggs
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.