“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
You Might Also Like
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
😂🤣😂🤣
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.