*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
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[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
calling in to work dehydrated
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I have a new favorite meme page
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.