This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
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I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
#catsoftwitter
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!