Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
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I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
no one ever comes back
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
scares
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.