[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
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[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”