Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
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At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
TODAY
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”